It has been a long while since I posted. I know it’s really only two days, but I really try to post everyday and if not, at least every other day. I had a whirlwind sort of a Wednesday. The actual day part was fine. It was the evening after I got home from my first day back dancing fully out at class. And I’m so out of shape…it’s terrible. But when I went to class today I felt much better. I stared more intensely at my body, trying to figure out the best way to move. And I got a compliment for staying on time with music, which I guess has always been a high point for me.
Anyways, back to Wednesday. Like I said the day was fine, except that I got a horrible math test grade. All my mistakes were stupid little things that I didn’t pay attention too, which makes me feel even more incompetent It was a nasty grade. I don’t remember ever receiving a grade this low. I was really disappointed, but I tried to carry on as best I could through the rest of the day. But on Wednesday evening after a disheartening workout, a horrid test grade, and leaving my science notes at school, I just melted down. I was keeping my calm pretty well, until my dad asked me how I was and I just didn’t respond. We sat and talked in the steamy car for 45 minutes. Me mostly crying, and he doing his best to sound rational amidst my hysteria. Trying to not affirm my fears, but not promising anything either.
We conversed mostly about my math grade, my coming chemistry test, and about my future with dance. Dance. I love dance. I love so many things about it. But man, it really hurts sometimes too.
I feel like an adolescent is meant to dream big. So that’s what I do. I have ambitions for myself. And last night my dad brought up the possibility that my expectations and ambitions were out of my reach. That’s a painful realization for anyone, but it was especially painful last night when I was already at a low point. I’m not one for giving up though. I don’t really care what my parents think. I’m going to work as hard as I can, all while enjoying the journey. I’m dancing for myself because I have aspirations for myself and my dancing. Maybe I’m an underdog because I go to an academically oriented school, and I don’t dance as much as other aspiring dancers, but passion trumps logic many a time. I’m going to shoot for it.
Reality sucks.
Why am I so emotional? If I was emotionless that would make my life so much easier.
Maybe that’s why people love androids so much. They don’t feel anything difficult to carry.
Now I’m all fired up about working harder than ever. I asked for a year that would test my abilities to manage the varying aspects of my life, and here it is. I’m proving to my math teacher that I am a n A student. I’m proving to myself that this year I’m a better dancer than ever before, maybe my future will hold dance. I can do this. I willing to fight and I’m too tenacious to be stopped. I’m going to push myself and accomplish lots.
Ha.
And my peers say I’m a Negative Nelly. And they are mostly right…I do it out of modesty, okay?
Tomorrow’s Friday…and an early day!
The weeks feel longer.
Stay Excellent!
Yours Troubie, Cranberry Lorraine
Secrets of St. Francis High School 