Off We Go…

Tags

airplanes, dance, dreaming, excited, logistics, NYC, reading, travel

So I figured you might want an update from yestereve’s (yes I think I’m cool enough to use that) depressing post.

It’s a good update…

I’m going to the airport to catch a red eye to New York. I’ve never been before and I’m excited. I really like airports for some odd reason. Not planes but just the logistics of how everything works. I’m a bit of a transportation nerd. I would love to be able to orchestrate that serious sort of logistics in my future.

I don’t sleep well in anywhere but my bed so I will probably be up all night reading or dreaming in the light of those harsh plane bulbs.

I think I may drag you all with me as best I can. I’ll sneak a photo or two in. (That will most likely be of food).

Oh, and I get to dance for the majority of my day. New York City is the dance capital of the US and it’s hub for dance world wide so that in itself is a rather exciting thought.

Next time you read my words I’ll be a temporary New Yorker.

Stay Excellent!

Cranberry Lorraine

Here I Am

Tags

attraction, body image, confidence, crew, crossroads, dance, friends, honesty, parents, questioning, rants, self, sexuality, tears, trust, volleyball

Remember that post wrote way back in February about “embracing anomalies” specifically when it comes to body image. So it’s nice to be different and feel good in your own skin, but sometimes it really sucks. It sucks to feel like you’re not long and lean like everyone else. It sucks to look “bigger” sometimes. I wish all I had was lean muscle. Not this weird mix of flab and muscle that has blanketed my body.  Less of a butt would be appreciated and less flab on the back of my legs wouldn’t be too bad either. It sucks to know that people “see muscle” where you just see flab. And it sucks to know that you could have changed that but didn’t.

I could have been different by now. If I had taken the initiative. But did I? No. I’m just the same as I was last year, except I probably take up more room sideways. And I am totally aware that no one is perfect, but on everybody’s stupid social media it appears that they are. Everyone looks just dandy. Everybody is fit. And I’m guilty of it too. I post pictures that I think I look pretty in. It’s hard not to when everyone else does. And somehow I get it into my head that maybe they really are like that. That they always look exactly how they appear to be on Instagram. Why? Why do I even think that? Because I know it’s not true.

And it upsets me when people tell me that my body would be great for volleyball. “You would be fantastic!” And all sorts of blah blah blah. Or crew…oh yes, I would be absolutely amazing at crew because I have big strong legs. And then I would get a scholarship. And life would be great wouldn’t it? “You would be so great for crew. You would fit right in with them”.

NO. I don’t care if I have the body for crew. Fuckin’ no. I don’t care. I want to dance. I want to dance. Yes, I would be so much better at volleyball than dance. I could go so much farther with than I probably ever will with dance. But no. I want to dance. Why? Because I love it. Because when I really dance, not in rehearsals but when I’m really on stage, I forget about being flawed. And it really is wonderfully indescribable. I know that I don’t have a “gift” for dance. I’m not one of those special people. But I do it anyways because I truly love it and it truly cannot be replaced by anything or anyone.

Yes I swore. I’m not apologizing. Sometimes the world needs a little swearing. And if anything that’s what ran through my head when I wrote that. If anything, at least I’m honest. I try to be genuine with every ounce of life that I have.

*******************

So I halfway bring all of the above up to one of my parents. Now they are probably both worried and I do appreciate their worry. But it’s difficult because my parents don’t know everything about me anymore. They know more than some parents do but I don’t tell them everything. Largely because I’m fiercely independent like that. I know that I can tell them anything. I will if I have to. And I can see myself doing so if necessary. But I don’t want to get to that point. At least not for a while. But the bits of the above that I mention bring the conversation to the question of my sexuality.

Turns out I don’t know much about that either. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve never felt attracted to boys. I have, I think, felt attraction to another individual though. But I seriously don’t know what to make of it. And that’s like a one time chance. That doesn’t happen everyday. And it makes me question the integrity of that attraction. I don’t trust myself. Sometimes I want to pursue it, to indulge in those feelings of attraction, and sometimes I think that would be not wise. I’m at a loss there.

My parents sorta know about it and sorta don’t. Not completely in darkness nor completely in light.

It’s just complex and confusing and the whole concept of questioning my sexuality is something that I did not expect to tackle for at least a good five years. Kinda sprang on me.

And let me tell you, talking about sexuality and body image and confidence while trying to hold back tears is not the easiest thing in the world. It all magnifies to be about 20x worse than it actually is.

Oh and on top of that, I’m majorly conflicted about dance. And my close, close friends at dance that I’ve known for years and years can sense it. And I have no response to their inquiries. And it’s not a simple decision I have to make. There is a lot tied up in the past six years of serious dance training.

***********************

I’ve been mulling over that in bits and pieces for days. It floats into my head and floats out a few days later.

Somehow I will answer all the unknowns in due time. I know that much. I don’t like to leave anything unanswered. Some decision I will decide soon; some will be put off for later. Maybe some questions will fade away and not need anymore answering. But I am going to choose a path and walk down it. This year has brought me to a crossroads and I don’t plan on waiting there for much longer.

Stay Excellent,

Cranberry Lorraine

 

Ramble On Doctors

Tags

dance, dentists, doctors, losing, parents, progress, questions, rmables, uncomfortable

Happy Tuesday WordPressers.

I went to the dentist yesterday. Going to the dentist always reminds me of how I absolutely despise going to the doctor but I can easily tolerate a dentist appointment. I do have a significant advantage because my mom is the dentist I see and dentistry is an all consuming entity for her. I’ve grown up with dentistry in my face. Both my grandfathers were dentists as well. One loved it and the other hated it, but nevertheless I have become very comfortable with dentistry.

I guess some people feel uncomfortable around the dentist because you have to surrender your mouth to them. You can’t easily talk to the dentist and it can burst the personal space bubble people have. And apparently that’s worse than having someone poke and prod you… I don’t think so.

I am a minor iatrophobe. IN A VERY DRAMATIC SENSE. It’s probably a normal anxiety but I seriously get more nervous than usual around doctors. I don’t appreciate the poking and prodding very much and I usually go to the doctor when something hurts. I don’t go for “check ups”. And when something hurts they usually tell me I have to take a bazillion weeks off from dance and that always upsets me. I want to work hard and improve; I don’t want to lose anything that I’ve gained. And whenever I’m injured or I stop dancing for more than a few days I get really frustrated because I don’t want to recess in my abilities. If there’s anything I hate, it’s losing progress.

Plus doctors never fail to make me faint. I haven’t always been a fainting individual. It really started in sixth grade when I was 11. And it’s haunted me ever since. Fainting is just extremely inconvenient, not to mention slightly embarrassing. I am, once again,  reduced to a state of frustration. And doctors always ask questions that I don’t want to answer. And they press the issue. They don’t stop asking. If I don’t answer the first time, they find a way to slip the question into the conversation again. I know I probably should answer. They are concerned with my health, but if something really was bothering then I would ask. Whatever bothered me would be the first thing I say to the doctor. I’m used to that policy because that’s how I like to talk to my parents about touchy subjects. If there’s a problem I will come to them but I don’t want them hanging over me.

That policy doesn’t always work either.

Oh well. Nothing’s perfect.

There is my rant for the day…

Stay Excellent!

Cranberry Lorraine

 

Father’s Day

Tags

dad, eyes, father's day, great, love, memories, paris, questioning, self, teacher, travel, unique

FYI: I wrote this on Saturday, June 15.

 

So I know Father’s Day technically isn’t here until tomorrow but my dad and my brother returned from a trip this evening and it’s made me very happy to see them. So I figured I might as well write about my father because Father’s Day is practically here and I really do love my dad.

I look like my dad’s side of the family. I look very similar to my mom as well but only her compared to the rest of her family. I look like my mom but I really look like my dad’s side of the family. I fit in much better–as far as appearance goes– with them.  My dad has these crystal clear blue eyes that I have only seen in two other people, one of them being my dad’s dad. And when I was little I had very blue eyes, just like his. My eyes are mostly green now, although sometimes you can see a hint of blue. My dad is tall and thin. Like a green bean in the middle of winter. I’m not the tallest in my family anymore, but I was the tallest in my school classes for many years. I’m not outrageously tall but the height that I do have was given to me by my father.

We have similar tastes in surprisingly quite a few things. Furniture, food, architecture, crossword puzzles, nerdy dance moves, travel. I remember going through furniture galleries a few times with my dad; we both like the functional and subtly detailed pieces. We both like the sleeker and more modern furniture stores. We both love fish. It’s almost repulsive to some but we both love les poissons. Mussels, herring, sardines…the list goes on. I like that he talks about buildings with me. That’s one of my favorite things to do in big cities: walk the streets and talk about architecture. He’s a wordy guy and really pushed me to read, which eventually lead me to enjoy the wordy joy of solving cross word puzzles. He has always danced with me at social events. He’s got an, well…unique, style of dancing but he doesn’t care. And that’s the hardest part to get past. He’s great to dance with. And in regards to travel, he always wants to to do something different (a quality that affects more than just his traveling interests). He wants to go somewhere “weird” and not go the safe route. He likes to go the road less traveled by. (props to Robert Frost) And that makes me really proud.

My dad was a teacher for a long time and I don’t think he will ever stop teaching me or learning for that matter. I’ve gone to him with so many questions its’s insane. And he almost always has a decent answer. He taught me to read, which has contributed to my success. Because I began reading at such an early age, over the years I’ve become much more exposed to adult ideas than many of my friends, especially the people I went to elementary and middle school with. My dad taught me to read and let me run with it. He hasn’t held me back at all. I consider him the embodiment of life long learning. He’s always reading articles about politics, technology, and culture. He always has a project he’s working on.

He’s very contemplative, so I get my own tendency to think deeply from him. And he always questions everything. Which I have found annoying at times and has contributed to a budding skepticism in me but it’s also forced me to really think about the situations I’m in, what I pursue in my life. I’ve learned to not take things at face value.

He’s not one to follow everyone else, like what I mentioned above. He’s willing to go make his own path and make his own life. He did too. He’s done many interesting things in his life before he settle down.  And I struggle with that; I really do. If he could do it, then maybe I can. That quality resonates.

I’m not sure what else to cover. Ha ha. He’s also one of the kindest people in the world if you let him be.

I went on a trip during Spring Break of sixth grade with my dad. It remains one of my fondest memories. I remember going on our summer trip with him and my brother and cousin last year. I think my favorite memory I share with him is when we went to the Rodin museum in Paris. We both loved the house: it wasn’t incredibly flamboyant or ostentatious. It was tastefully sized and understandably intricate. It was too nice to be considered a gaudy chateau.   And the gardens were nice too. My dad is particular about what he likes and doesn’t and he really liked the Rodin museum.

You’re great Dad. I love you.

Stay Excellent,

Cranberry Lorraine

Take A Guess

Tags

autumn, chamrs, chickens, colors, earth, Et Cetra, eyes, face, games, guessing, jealousy, leaves, rain, Uncategorized

Guess this color. I don’t think it should be too difficult.

 

It’s the color you see when you pull your finger out from a murky, slimy pond.

Sometimes a chicken lays egg with a sheen of it.

It’s the color rain leaves behind.

If you look closely you can see it in the ocean. Just a hint of it in sea foam, glinting in the afternoon sun.

You reminisce for it in autumn when the leaves are crinkled and dry. 

It flashes on your face in a moment of jealousy.

Ducklings are colored in it’s offspring.

It’s the color of the man on the cereal box who stole all those charms.

It’s the color you see when Mother Earth smiles back at you.

You have it on your face before you get your sea legs.

Some think it’s lucky.

You’ll see it in my eyes, if you look close enough (I realize not all of you have done that). But cats have it too.

You probably all know it by now.

–Cranberry Lorraine

 

 

 

 

 

Vampire Weekend on Mondays

Tags

album, beatles, concert, electric, Et Cetra, friend, love, modern vampires of the city, rambles, songs, vampire weekend

This post was supposed to be a SOTM but in reality, I’m obsessed with the entire Vampire Weekend (Modern Vampires of the City) album and it would be hard to just pick one song. And I actually like every single song at least a little bit. There are some that I prefer more than others but I have listened to the entire album in one sitting and I can say that I enjoy every song on the album. Ah, I just really love it.

The group reminds me of The Beatles. Vampire Weekend is the quirkier and I would go so far as to say that they are little wilder. A little more unkempt than their British predecessors. But Vampire Weekend is equally melodic and rhythmic and experimental as The Beatles were. And I really like that they experiment within the alternative rock style; it really keeps me interested.

Modern Vampires of the City is also the first album that I bought myself. And I feel like that is rather significant.

Overall, The first half of the album is my favorite. I’ve literally listened to the first 6 songs twenty times each. The second half is nice too but I really like the first half. If I had to pick one song that is my favorite, as of right now, it is “Don’t Lie”. That was the first song I heard and it really hooked me. It just feels and sounds so electric. It sounds like a muffled chaos and I feel that way sometimes. I feel like I’m in the midst of a muffled chaos. I don’t really know how else to describe it. Heck, I barely know the lyrics and I’ve listened to it about 50 million times.

But I seriously love every other song and my favorite song will probably change tomorrow. Trust me. It will.

I think it would be super fun to see them in concert but they are currently in the UK right now. So it may be a good long time before that happens.

Oh and Honda: I have no idea when you will see this but I forgot to tell you that you are one of the most inspiring people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. You have always (and quite unknowingly on your part) pushed me to explore and participate in the world. I am excited for the future is because you have motivated me to find that excitement for myself. I think that is a gift given best by you. I love you farther than my eyes can see, my friend, and stop groaning because you know all of the above is true.

Stay Excellent,

Cranberry Lorraine

 

 

Hands, Shoulders,

Tags

beyond words, contemplation, gratitude, hands, intimate, rambles, self, shoulders

Knees and toes. Knees and toes.

Sorry had to reference that song…

But really hands and shoulders.

What delicate and beautiful things spring from hands and shoulders. What strength a small hand can muster. What tenderness a broad shoulder exudes.

How wonderful it feels to have someone’s thumb gently rub your own. It feels warm. It feels genuine. It feels special. How amazing it is to have two hands fit perfectly together. Not like a child’s hand in a father’s hand, where one protects the other. But two hands of equal size that fit together in mutual understanding. What’s between those hands is more than just skin. More than just air. The tightly clasped hands pushed out the excess. What remains is intimate.

And shoulders. Probably the least intimate body part ever. But there’s something rather tender, I think, in the meeting of two shoulders. Shoulders are used for stature. A body part that connotes strength, without needing anyone’s assistance. But to humble oneself and acknowledge the companion–or companions– one relies  on is generous. To acknowledge that both of you are better because of the other is beyond words in my mind.

Hands, Shoulders. How easy it is to say something–anything–through a simple touch. How grateful I am to feel. To not be turned cold by what is dark and despondent in the world.

How grateful I am for you. All of you.

For now,

Cranberry Lorraine

Can I Please Go Live in Middle Earth?

Tags

friends, good vs evil, hogwarts, lotr, middle earth, open door, rambles, random, sleep, the hobbit, weekend

I actually slept in today until 9 am. I know that seems like nothing but for an early riser such as myself, that’s a big deal. Usually I’m up at 7:30 and I just lie in my bed until 8 and then the day carries on normally. But last night I watched The Hobbit with my brother until 1 am ish. I was so exhausted by 12:30 am that I ended up closing my eyes and not sleeping mind you but following the movie through dialogue and other noises.

Just watching The Hobbit makes me so envious of New Zealand. It’s just so beautiful and I want to go live in Middle Earth and fight Orcs and the Nazgul and if I die that’s ok because at least I died doing something that really mattered. Maybe I would die saving someone’s life and that would be a very worthwhile way to die. Yeah I just saved your gut, I think I deserve eternal sleep. Ha Ha. I don’t want to die at all in this point of time but if I could save someone’s life I would like to believe that I would do it.

I don’t know. Just thoughts.

I also love the part where the eagles come and rescue the travelers from the tree. How magnificent is that? They’re all on the brink of death and all of sudden each of them ends up on the wings on these gorgeous birds. And then they just rest on the nape of the eagle and fly. It just seems like a very peaceful adventure. And plus, like I mentioned before, the scenery is just breathtaking.

Can I seriously just live in Middle Earth? And if there’s no room for me in Middle Earth, can I go to Hogwarts?

I know nothing is ever perfect in any world, fantasy or real. But in the fantasy worlds there seems to be so much more hope despite the great darkness that always plagues those worlds. There’s so much evil that the good seems that much brighter and all the more precious even if it’s little acts of goodness.

I suppose the real world is the same way but complicated. Much more complicated.

************

My weekend is supposed to be very relaxing but it’s not going to be. I’m spending Friday night with a really good friend and then Saturday I’m going to be on a film set for 7 hours and then I’m going to a graduation party. Then on Sunday I have an audition that I wasn’t planning on attending but I am now and it’s going to be hard. I don’t expect anything to come of it but I think I will gain experience which is very valuable. So if anything I’ll gain that. Plus I may surprise myself. This might be a door that I can go through.

I was planning on having a LOTR marathon this weekend but that might need to be next weekend.

Stay Excellent,

Cranberry Lorraine

Hey It’s June…

Tags

contemplation, everything, geometry, june, love, odds and ends, rambles, random, self, soul mate

Hey people, it’s June. And that’s just weird because I have no idea where the time went. To be frank, I have no idea where anything goes. Which is why I struggle to keep my room pristine. Sigh, I used to be so good at it. And now I just don’t know what to do with the odds and ends.

Where does everything go? That’s more than a description of my room.

My first thought was that the odds and ends of life recycle. Because it’s a circle of life and all that jazz. I mean that would be the most logical option. But I would say the universe is more of a web than a circle. Someone told me that the universe is made up of stories and not atoms. Webs and not straight, orderly rows. I think they were on to something.

Life doesn’t follow a  cookie-cutter path. Well, at least individual lives aren’t. In the grand scheme of things I believe that every life starts and ends in the same place. So why do we have a circle of life? The “in between” is too perfect. The route to the  beginning, the point where the pen first hit the paper, is too smooth.

Perhaps life is a convex trapezoid. The convex trapezoid of life. That sounds about as overly complicated as life gets. Maybe people all have different symbolic and geometric shapes of life and that’s why we clash. Because our shapes don’t fit together.

Everyone talks about finding your soul mate…blah blah blah. Just work on finding a compatible irregular polygon. Same difference. Concave must find convex and vice versa.

Oh, I crack myself up sometimes. I really do. Here I am romancing geometry on summer break. What is my life?

Stay Excellent, you fine people of WordPress,

Cranberry Lorraine