Remember that post wrote way back in February about “embracing anomalies” specifically when it comes to body image. So it’s nice to be different and feel good in your own skin, but sometimes it really sucks. It sucks to feel like you’re not long and lean like everyone else. It sucks to look “bigger” sometimes. I wish all I had was lean muscle. Not this weird mix of flab and muscle that has blanketed my body. Less of a butt would be appreciated and less flab on the back of my legs wouldn’t be too bad either. It sucks to know that people “see muscle” where you just see flab. And it sucks to know that you could have changed that but didn’t.
I could have been different by now. If I had taken the initiative. But did I? No. I’m just the same as I was last year, except I probably take up more room sideways. And I am totally aware that no one is perfect, but on everybody’s stupid social media it appears that they are. Everyone looks just dandy. Everybody is fit. And I’m guilty of it too. I post pictures that I think I look pretty in. It’s hard not to when everyone else does. And somehow I get it into my head that maybe they really are like that. That they always look exactly how they appear to be on Instagram. Why? Why do I even think that? Because I know it’s not true.
And it upsets me when people tell me that my body would be great for volleyball. “You would be fantastic!” And all sorts of blah blah blah. Or crew…oh yes, I would be absolutely amazing at crew because I have big strong legs. And then I would get a scholarship. And life would be great wouldn’t it? “You would be so great for crew. You would fit right in with them”.
NO. I don’t care if I have the body for crew. Fuckin’ no. I don’t care. I want to dance. I want to dance. Yes, I would be so much better at volleyball than dance. I could go so much farther with than I probably ever will with dance. But no. I want to dance. Why? Because I love it. Because when I really dance, not in rehearsals but when I’m really on stage, I forget about being flawed. And it really is wonderfully indescribable. I know that I don’t have a “gift” for dance. I’m not one of those special people. But I do it anyways because I truly love it and it truly cannot be replaced by anything or anyone.
Yes I swore. I’m not apologizing. Sometimes the world needs a little swearing. And if anything that’s what ran through my head when I wrote that. If anything, at least I’m honest. I try to be genuine with every ounce of life that I have.
So I halfway bring all of the above up to one of my parents. Now they are probably both worried and I do appreciate their worry. But it’s difficult because my parents don’t know everything about me anymore. They know more than some parents do but I don’t tell them everything. Largely because I’m fiercely independent like that. I know that I can tell them anything. I will if I have to. And I can see myself doing so if necessary. But I don’t want to get to that point. At least not for a while. But the bits of the above that I mention bring the conversation to the question of my sexuality.
Turns out I don’t know much about that either. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’ve never felt attracted to boys. I have, I think, felt attraction to another individual though. But I seriously don’t know what to make of it. And that’s like a one time chance. That doesn’t happen everyday. And it makes me question the integrity of that attraction. I don’t trust myself. Sometimes I want to pursue it, to indulge in those feelings of attraction, and sometimes I think that would be not wise. I’m at a loss there.
My parents sorta know about it and sorta don’t. Not completely in darkness nor completely in light.
It’s just complex and confusing and the whole concept of questioning my sexuality is something that I did not expect to tackle for at least a good five years. Kinda sprang on me.
And let me tell you, talking about sexuality and body image and confidence while trying to hold back tears is not the easiest thing in the world. It all magnifies to be about 20x worse than it actually is.
Oh and on top of that, I’m majorly conflicted about dance. And my close, close friends at dance that I’ve known for years and years can sense it. And I have no response to their inquiries. And it’s not a simple decision I have to make. There is a lot tied up in the past six years of serious dance training.
I’ve been mulling over that in bits and pieces for days. It floats into my head and floats out a few days later.
Somehow I will answer all the unknowns in due time. I know that much. I don’t like to leave anything unanswered. Some decision I will decide soon; some will be put off for later. Maybe some questions will fade away and not need anymore answering. But I am going to choose a path and walk down it. This year has brought me to a crossroads and I don’t plan on waiting there for much longer.