Wow, I did not realize I hadn’t written anything since Wednesday. Time flies. I cannot believe it has already been 3 days. Well not much has happened since Wednesday evening. That’s a benefit of school; it usually provides me something to talk or ramble on about. But since school is out, nothing is so scheduled and I don’t feel as social. During school, stuff happens. I talk to people, I learn about things, and I struggle and succeed like anyone else. When I’m at home most of the day doing work I spend a lot of time in my world and I don’t feel the need to update anyone on my current state of self and my other projects I’m working on. There isn’t a divide between my school day and my after school experiences. My day is one fluid passing of time and I’m never as communicative in that sort of situation. When there’s a strong, clear difference between sections of my day I feel like I have more to talk about. But that’s just me.
And it’s not the best excuse for neglecting this place for three days. My apologies.
I’ve been watching LOTR: The Two Towers with my brother and mom and my dad. We have a marathon every year where we watch all three films in one weekend. Intense stuff. We quote lines and since we’ve all seen the films at least twenty times we provide each other with commentary. And then we somehow find time to watch all the Harry Potter films too. Watching those movies always signifies summer, along with many other things. But summer has always been a time to indulge in my favorite other worldly obsessions. People call this sort of thing fandoms. I don’t know what I call it, but I still participate in those worlds. I wish wish wish there was someway for Middle Earth or a magical UK to be real.
I think if I had to choose one world over the other I would choose Middle Earth. I love all the different peoples. I’m torn between wanting to be an Elf or a woman of Rohan. Probably Rohan because my favorite character comes from that kingdom. But elves…so fair, light, and ethereal. Superhuman in the most finite and delicate way. Still, I see myself as a person of the earth not of the lofty prestige of elves. Each kingdom in the world of men symbolizes a different race in my eyes. Rohan parallels the Scandinavian countries and the kingdom of Gondor reflects Ancient Greece. The dwarves represent the Anglo-Saxons, probably the Scottish. I see similarities between the Irish and Hobbits. Wizards and Elves are a little harder to place because they are in human bodies but do not possess the same sort of human qualities. Wizards remind me of monks and elves remind me of the infamous Aryan race. In history when we talked about WWII and Hitler’s motives, I always think of the elves as the ideal Aryan race members. The men from the east, the ones that come with the Oliphaunts (variant of the elephant) remind me of Persia in its prime.
I also love the medieval style of Middle Earth. I love the robes, the cloaks. That’s what I enjoyed about HP too: students wore robes to Hogwarts. I love the age-old yet still gorgeous long hair all the women have. Don’t get me wrong, I love an androgynous haircut. I think it’s pretty fantastic when a girl can rock typical boy hair and vice versa for men. But there is something so wonderfully feminine and natural about long, rippling hair that frames the face but doesn’t overpower it or overexpose the face like modern hairstyles do. I think there is a rugged beauty in the people of Middle Earth, excluding the elves because… well they are the spawn of light and air and you can only create perfection with those two parents. But there is a rugged beauty in the women and men, at least all the characters the viewer can see. Rugged, starving people, but flaming and passionate all the same.
What a thought. Rugged beauty. I think of vastness when I hear those words. Vast perception, all seeing. A piercing grace. I like that. Piercing grace. By itself grace is too perfect and piercing so harsh, but together I can see them complementing each other. Maybe one day I will have a piercing grace about me. People tell me I’m graceful, so perhaps I’m halfway there.
I’ve realized lately that I’m going through a phase where I like to watch or experience difficult things, which sounds really weird I know. But I like to see hardcore performances and it surprises me because I haven’t always been like that. I find myself feeling unsatisfied with comedic ventures. Humorous essays still get me but comedy films aren’t as satisfying as they used to be. I have a hunch that I want myself to see these hardships, these struggles to make myself feel something, to expose myself to a wider range of emotions. Lately it’s been hard for me to conjure up emotion. Sometimes I just feel emotionless and although I’m emotionless it still makes me sound rude and I sway people the wrong way. I’ve seen live productions of heart wrenching shows, like Les Miserables, but I never cried once. I didn’t cry in Titanic, but I shed tears in the latest Star Trek movie. I’m all backwards. Ha Ha.
It’s late and all this emotional thinking is making me tired. I don’t half of what I’m writing. But my fingers talk just as well.
So much to get done in these last few weeks. So much to do this year. So much to do in life. But I can do it. I’ve always figured out how. I’ve always been a worker bee. Ew, I hate honey though. Are there any other animals marked by strong will? What about owls? I like owls a lot, especially barn owls.
Random, but what did you expect?