Well, I’m so glad. And even if you don’t want to, you will have the pleasure of knowing anyways.
A lot has happened. It doesn’t feel like much has, but honestly a lot has happened in a total of 7 days.
It was a busy week and weekend. Concerts and performances and late nights and a load of school work. I’m so run out of energy. But we are almost done. I am beginning to realize that I will always have something to do. There’s always something that I could be doing that would be super productive and most of the time I am doing it, but sometimes I am not. And then when it gets late as it is now, I really wish I had done all the productive stuff. I start thinking “Ah, maybe I’ll finish that now”. Oh Cranberry, you silly organism. What do you think you are doing?
I am proud to say that sometimes I can actually answer that question.
On Friday I ran around Office Depot. Literally ran. Now office supply stores have so much more potential than just illustrating an illusion of productivity. Now I can be the non-productivity in the productivity store. And I love opposite stuff like that. I was with my friends, Nymph and Tom, and we played hide and seek. Spun around in office chairs. Stalked employees. Ate candy and looked at various cards. At the end of our adventure, we were the only people in the store besides the staff. I think we scared everyone else out. Too much laughter and random gesturing coming from an office store. I honestly felt like a little kid in this huge body but it was great. It felt almost like a rite passage…I know so dramatic, but it was a teensy bit rebellious and that was fun. In moderation. I didn’t give a damn that I was still in uniform and that I was “representing St. Francis”. I represented the fact that St. Francis people know how to have fun with objects that are seemingly boring. How’s that for creativity?
And it rained on Friday! Ah finally. Finally. It was so cold and wet and the sound was lovely. I fell asleep listening to the rain, which is one of may favorite things in this world. Falling asleep in my warm bed, listening to a storm thrash outside. It’s still nippy in my room because my room is on the outside of my house, so I am directly affected by all weather occurrences. But the cold makes me appreciate the warmth of my blankets. I think falling asleep to rain is a very safe place. I don’t know why, but I feel safe and calm and the sound of the rain rocks me into sleep. I feel sheltered, with blankets piled on top of me. I really want to go on a walk in the rain. A substantial walk, not some traipse around my backyard. Seeing the leaves plastered to the sidewalk and the ripples of puddles. The smell of rain on asphalt and the rain sliding through my hair. Rain is just magical for stuff like that.
More rain please, more rain.
I had soup on Saturday evening. I used to dislike soup. I cannot imagine why, because now all I want to eat is soup. Probably because it is really really cold now. An unheard of sort of cold for where I live. I arrived at school with chattering teeth every day this past week. Now it’s really winter. I get out of my bed and drag all my sheets with me. There is no other way for me to get out. And when I get dressed in the morning, I try to keep my blankets on until the last possible moment.
I have so many secret santas. I may need to employ my parents because I doubt I will have much time to really think about what to get each person. That’s how I giv emy gifts. I take lots of time and I can’t just do it in five minutes. I spend a few days thinking about what to get them. So I have to do that.
That’s all the good stuff that has happened.
And not many bad things have happened, really. It’s been a good week. This time of the year is always a little difficult. To this day exactly, a teacher at St. Francis was killed in a train accident. I didn’t know her but it makes me sad to see someone so beloved go. How could all those things intersect at once? All those different lives and purpose and all of a sudden no more. Everyone was affected by her death. That’s the amazing thing-as crude as that sounds-but one person affected so many lives even if she didn’t know all of them.
And to think it’s been a year. A whole year. A year since great things have happened, like rekindling a dear friendship, but also a year since tragedy has happened. I think this day sticks out more because of Peanut Butter dying almost a month ago.
That seems surreal. Still. God, why did she decide to leave? I think about her. I hope she’s wherever she wants to be. And in all honesty, Peanut Butter and I weren’t that close. I was so shocked that she would think to commit suicide. Shocked because she was always so wise and solid. Unshakable. A force of nature when she wanted to be. I guess everyone has their breaking point.
She was a part of my life but there’s other adults that I’m close to that if they died I would…I would not, not be ok, not as self possessed as I have been throughout this process. My mom is angry at Peanut Butter as are my mom’s other friends who knew Peanut Butter. The letters were finally were found and although it hasn’t been overt, I can tell that people, my mom definitely included, are angry and peeved and distressed and pissed and just a cluster of nasty emotions. I just wish that it all made sense, but it doesn’t. Nothing about the entire situation adds up. There is no closure. Just fragments. That was so unlike her too. Fragments of reasons, last words, and motives. Just shards of what seemed to be a placidly beautiful life.
To a conclusive week. To conclusion of this semester.